~ VALIDATION ~

One of the reasons I am pursuing my case against Hawaii Pacific University is for them to acknowledge my rights and needs as a fellow human being (if they had apologized and worked with me to find a mutually beneficial solution some six months ago, I would not have taken it to court). Acknowledging and showing respect is validation. It doesn't say who is right or wrong.

Validation


Certification, Evidence, Confirmation, Affirmation

To see and listen to another without judgment or critique and just expressing that you are indeed seeing and listening to the other, is to validate. It doesn't mean that you have to agree and think the same. It does however mean that you really listen on a deep level, often referred to, by Professional therapists as the “third level-listening”. When we validate the other‟s existence in this way, we show that we really respect and accept the other person fully as a human being.

To really listen on a deep level, demands your full attention in that moment, that you leave your own interests, opinions, thoughts, fears and longings aside. You put yourself on pause and look the other person in the eyes at the same time as you read between the lines and look for what the body-language and tone are conveying. Maybe the other wants to tell you more but isn't sure about the appropriateness or if you are willing to hear it. Ask for more or just assure that it is OK as it is.

This quiet communication is hard to pass along through the written word, regardless if it is through a book, an e-mail or a text-message on our phone. We think we are communicating much more these days, but are we really? Are we not just speaking right out into vast space without knowing if we ever will get any response or even become listened to in the way we intended.

If we are honest in our communication, it is easier to include our emotions in our message. But the written word can never substitute a conversation, a dialogue where we may make a deep connection, unless we meet in real life.

That which differentiate professional therapists with the dialogue as their tool, are their ability to validate and conduct a dialogue this way. Lifecoaches and Psychologists are one example. Ministers and good fellow human beings another.

Example
My Swedish minister is the most validating person I know. Because I never received any professional care during my leave of absence pending my mother's death, I once again turned to the Swedish church to access therapy. He and I covered everything between life and death for almost a year after my homecoming to my first trip to Hawaii. And even though he was wearing his collar proudly, he never once became a missionary, never transferred his own values and opinions to me, but listened. He replied to my questions regarding faith and Christianity but left the conclusions and decisions up to me.

One afternoon in 2006 I came to see him, with a full blown anxiety attack in my lap, not knowing if I even could talk to him at all. I just stood there shaking. Instead we just sat down on the first available chair, lit a candle and he prayed for me. Prayed that I would feel supported and find the strength and answers I needed. We sat quiet most of the time afterward. Despite my tears, irrational anxiety and my own inability to listen at that particular moment, I still felt very validated, very present. He didn't cure anything, didn't change anything. But he saw me, heard me and expressed his validation. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

Then I went home, lit a candle, rode out the storm, strengthened in my faith in humanity, only to get baptized six months later in the same church as a confirmation on my own private relationship to God.

Exercise
Be quiet next time someone needs to talk to you. Don't say what you think. Take in the other person, listen with all your senses and only confirm that you see and hear what she or he needed to let off his/her chest.
 
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An excerpt from my book "The Call for Divine Mothering"